You Hurt My Feelings

Most big network television actors from years past only seem to land one role. They become synonymous with that role, it runs for a bunch of seasons, and that’s mostly it. They’ll make guest appearances on other shows, maybe get some bit parts in movies, and if they’re really lucky, they’ll get a shot at a bigger role in a film which ends up not really making a splash. Rare are careers like that of Robin Williams or Ron Howard or Benedict Cumberbatch. In this era of prestige television and miniseries/limited series, I think it’s becoming more common to make that jump, but still not the norm. Some of that probably has to do with success on network/cable TV allowing for financial security through residuals (which streaming has impacted; see the current WGA strike). But sometimes, it’s just that their talents don’t work as well in movie format, where there are longer, more complex narratives with no breaks, more complicated shoots, and less room for error, since you can’t make up for a bad movie with next week’s installment.

As you’ve probably guessed by all that, combined with the movie I’m writing about, I grew up watching Seinfeld. It was my family’s favorite show. We’d watch it while eating dinner, we still constantly reference it (and Jerry’s stand-up), and my parents own all 9 seasons on DVD. So it’s been really neat to see Julia Louis-Dreyfus star in not one, but two other hit shows in the decades since: The New Adventures of Old Christine in the 00s, and Veep in the 2010s. And now, with all that success, she’s trying to break into movies. She’s been in and out of films ever since leaving SNL, and looks to be dipping back into the waters of Hollywood recently, starting with 2020’s Downhill. And this time around, she’s been getting more first and second billings, too.

You Hurt My Feelings finds Louis-Dryfuss as Beth, a nonfiction writer who’s working on her first novel, and having some trouble getting her agent to publish it. Everyone in her life is incredibly encouraging, none more than her husband Don (Tobias Menzies), who insists her agent just has no taste. Which is why it’s especially upsetting to Beth when she overhears Don telling a friend that while he does normally love her writing, he really does not like this book. Beth and Don and their friends must grapple with whether or not it’s helpful to lie in order to support someone.

And…that’s kind of it. The movie has its theme, and it begins reinforcing it from very early on. We’re constantly seeing characters show appreciation or excitement where their facial expression tells us maybe they’re forcing it, or else in situations where we know we’ve done so. Beth and Don have an anniversary dinner and exchange gifts, but their eyes indicate their lack of excitement. Beth and her sister Sarah (Michaela Watkins) volunteer at a clothing drive for the homeless, and without fail tell people the garment they’re interested in suits them perfectly. And a million other tiny interactions, such as Sarah’s interactions with her interior design clients, Don’s relationship with his talk-therapy patients, or Beth and Sarah’s conversations with their mom Georgia (Jeannie Berlin).

The point is simply that despite Beth’s (or the audience’s) reaction to learning Don’s lie, it is a constant feature of adult relationships. It’s a common tactic employed for a whole host of reasons. Maybe you think they’re emotionally fragile, maybe you’re trying to support them, or maybe you think your opinion isn’t the one that matters. But we all do it. It’s a necessary part of relating to another person, of being empathetic, but can absolutely be taken too far. To never tell someone what they want to hear is just cruel, but so is to always do so. The movie wants to be in conversation about the value of these white lies, to discuss when it’s appropriate and when not, and to ultimately explore the damage caused when the truth comes out in an uncontrolled manner.

I very specifically chose the phrase “wants to” because the even keel of the tone is to its detriment. The characters all operate on the same level with the same motivation and outlook. As such, even when the movie discusses its themes more directly, it doesn’t really hit. It’s trying to be an imitation of real life, and it is a glowing success in that department. But there’s a reason that feature length actualities never became a thing: there just isn’t a strong enough hook to really pull you in. In this film, the smallness of most of the emotional moments mean they just kind of slide past you. They’re real, yes, but they lack weight.

That said, there is one character who really works here, and that’s Elliot (Owen Teague), the son of Beth and Don. He’s working on a screenplay on the side, and his parents (but especially Beth) keep insisting it’s going to be amazing, despite not having read a single word of his writing. And whereas every other character accepts such well-meaning praise, he immediately rejects it, insisting that who knows, it might suck. This is the cornerstone of their relationship on screen: Beth tries to encourage him, but he immediately senses the hollow platitudes and rolls his eyes. The same is true for how they handle his off-screen girlfriend, who’s pulling away from him, and eventually cheats on him. They say what they think is the right thing, but given they don’t know the situation, they make it worse. Which leads to the one real moment of confrontation, in which he laments “You’re always expecting the best from me”. It’s the one sharp-ish idea in the movie, that by constantly telling someone they’re amazing you suffocate them with high expectations, leading any sort of failure to be almost unbearable. Or even the fear of trying something new or scary, because it might fail, and so they resign themselves to a life which minimizes those expectations.

I realize I’m making this sound like an intense, subtle drama, and while there is some of that, it’s primarily a comedy. It’s just that the comedy isn’t the driving force. Despite it being fairly constantly funny, it’s never swinging for a huge laugh, choosing instead for the humor of every day life and of normal people making goofy or sarcastic or flippant comments. I quite enjoyed its approach! Not everything landed, of course, but so much of it did. I was delighted by the characters throughout.

I do just wish there was more depth. That’s the thing I keep getting hung up on. And it felt like it wanted to present more, but just wasn’t able to crack the way to do so.